It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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