The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize