So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize