There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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