I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
