Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
