3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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