Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
