He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
