yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
