Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize