Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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