Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize