All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
