I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
the room spins SO much faster in panama
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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