I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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