Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Dear god my vagina.
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