We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
