its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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