It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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