Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Randomize
