Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
