He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
