peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
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