They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize