I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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