i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
I did not marry a roomba.
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