My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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