I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize