Someone shit on the floor
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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