i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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