It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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