we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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