Cold hands, warm shart.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
