when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Randomize
