He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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