she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
