Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
