apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
