who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
