cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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