dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
