I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
