I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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