Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
