You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
