phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
