Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
