no, he came in my armpit
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
