Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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