my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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