Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Randomize
