My balls are so social today.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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