just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
