fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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