it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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