I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize