You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I'm so fucking centered right now
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
