Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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