so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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