ya dads aren't the best wingmen
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
