You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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