I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
