I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
