i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
the night ended with taco bell and tears
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Randomize
